They're the TV and radio experts who bring some old school class to the paddock except when they're fighting with each other and bellowing like wildebeests because 40 years of motorsport has left them deafer than a tree stump. So what would it be like...
IF F1 WAS RULED BY...
1. What's all this rubbish about F-ducts, trick exhausts and cars with elevators. In new F1 we'd make them drive like we did wooden steering wheel, helmet made of paper and string, strapped to a bomb on wheels doing 250kph. That's proper racing.
2. Drivers would be banned from talking about fitness. Instead they'd be forced to eat a seven-course lunch, down a litre of robust Bordeaux and smoke three Romeo y Julietas before racing 300 laps of Spa Francorchamps in a monsoon, while wearing a suit and tie.
3. Speaking of which, what happened to proper race tracks? Modern circuits with run-off areas the size of Bonneville salt flats would be scrapped
4. Drivers and team personnel would be forbidden from spouting corporate nonsense. "The team will investigate the cause of this minor problem when we get back to the factory" would be said properly as: "Well, it was a close escape when the piston exploded though the engine block and I was pitched into the trees. That car really is a total s**tbox! Useless team. I'm off to get drunk and eat a pound of foie gras."
5. All current rubbish about engines lasting until the end of time and gearboxes having the half life of a block of uranium would be stopped immediately. A car is only supposed to get you to finish line covered in oil, dead insects, twigs and maybe a front-left mechanic. Having won, a proper car will cross the line and then collapse into a million shattered components.
6. Drivers would be obliged to race in other series. What? Too fragile to race F2 on Tuesday afternoon, a six-hour sports car race in the evening, the Indy 500 on Saturday and a three-race card at Silverstone on Sunday? Bunch of babies.
7. Drivers girlfriends: no longer would they be allowed to just lounge around looking decorative and working as models/actresses/whatever. No, in new F1 they'd make themselves useful like they used to, by keeping a timesheet and lap chart. What do you mean they have computers for that now? Nonsense.
8. It would be perfectly acceptable to walk around the paddock looking like a homeless person who's been dressed by his mother. Having your fly open or wearing silly trousers would also be allowed. It already is? Good, that's more like it. Now speak up, can't hear a damn word you're saying!
Car 6 MARK WEBBER
1st Practice P8, 2nd Practice P2
"The engine went at the end of P2, but it was a high mileage engine, so we were expecting it to be on the edge. There's no hand brake on a F1 car so when I stopped I was trying to tell them to put something behind the wheel to stop the car rolling back. A frustrating thing to explain from within the car! We need to analyse the new F-duct system tonight, we know it's not the most straightforward of systems. The guys have done a phenomenal job to get it to this point and we're happy with how it went today but, whether we race it or not, we don't know yet."
Car 5 SEBASTIAN VETTEL
1st Practice P5, 2nd Practice P3
"It was a reasonable day -- and quite tough as we introduced the F-duct. We still need to do some fine tuning, but it looks good. I think McLaren looks very competitive here, their system seems to be working well and they seem quite a bit quicker than everyone else on the straights. You can make up time in the corners, but there are quite a few straights joining them. We'll see if we keep our system on. It feels more natural now with the new chassis, it was good to change it and overall I was happy with the balance of the car."